Happiness in marriage is a choice

I get one single question from a lot of my unmarried friends – ‘Is it really Happily Ever After’ or ‘Will I get my Happily Ever After?‘ or some other version of this. And my answer is always the same – ALWAYS – NO! Now, before you tag me off as a pessimist or a person stuck in a relationship rut or plain cynical or whatever, let me tell you, I am not. I am in a very loving and deep relationship with my husband and we share a beautiful love made stronger by marriage and our child. But is it really Happily Ever After? I don’t know.

 

Image

You see, my main problem is with the entire notion or societal notion that feeds us this crap that marriage makes everything better or it makes you happy. Well, society, sorry to burst your bubble – but it doesn’t make you happy. Yes, a loving caring and healthy relationship will lead to happiness, but feeling the happiness, strengthening the relationship and being in the loving and caring relationship and keeping it healthy is a CHOICE. It is an action, you have to do, every single day. You have to consciously make the choice to be with this person, through the good and the bad, and this happiness that comes from being together through such times is what makes most people happy. So, essentially, it is your own choice that will make you happy – not marriage, but the choice of staying married to this person , who again, you chose! 

Another thing, is this bullshit about EVER AFTER! Really, in a world, where everything is ‘Made in China‘ and collapses faster than you could say ‘Icecream in the sun’, expecting marriage to keep you happy ever after is quite far fetched. I mean, what are the chances that people are happy ALL THE TIME? Zero! Nil! Yada! I mean, come on, is anyone on earth really happy all the bloody time? (Imagine how irritating such a person would be) But ever after is a myth. Because it never starts and never ends. Every marriage goes through it’s shares of ups and downs. There will be times, when him refusing to wake up to soothe the baby at night will drive you nuts and when she will want to get emotional about her second cousin’s best friend’s sister’s divorce will make you want to scream your head out. But you will realise that it doesn’t matter – in the long run, it will not matter. And you choose to overlook the same. Yes, people, it is this choice that I speak about – this choice that will lead to much better happiness in your life.

Nothing beats having a stable and sane companion in this journey of life. Nothing comes close to sleeping with your best friend after a terrible day at work. But expecting it to be the same way every single day and expecting all your miseries and debts to disappear, just coz you are married is frankly, quite ridiculous! 

Image

So frankly there is only one answer to the above question – will it be ‘Happily Ever After‘ and the answer is – if you choose it to be!

So long, my love and life beckons!

Cya

 

This is what it feels like

Note – it’s not pretty.

A deep sense of panic fills in her eyes. Her heart is beating at the speed of light. The blood drains of her face and she can barely stand. Her composure may be calm to the outside world, but internally, she has ‘lost it’. She is unable to think straight. She feels like she is having a heart attack, but she knows she isn’t. Her hands and feet go numb and her involuntary brain takes over. She carries on doing that which she was doing, or is not doing but at a subtly slower pace and definitely in a mindless fashion. Her thoughts are elsewhere, even though she smiles at her baby and feeds her. The baby’s tantrums don’t seem to faze or disturb her. She seems calm and composed, but she’s far from it. Her mind is racing with thoughts – both known and unknown and she is unable to make sense of what is going on in her head. She tells herself to “breathe – breathe deeply”, but even that requires way too much of an effort. This makes her chest hurt, a lot, but she tries. She takes her baby to give her a nap and lays down beside her, trying to ‘relax’ as the baby nurses. But there is no escape from this terror which has squeezed her. Is it some fear or is it a demon, no one can tell. This, which was earlier such a relaxing and nurturing activity, now seems like a task to get done with, because she has things to do. What things – she doesn’t know or even understand. She just knows, she has to do something otherwise terror may strike – something bad or unforeseen may happen. The unimaginable may happen. The fear holds her again, her heart beats which had reduced a bit, start pumping again. What is it, what is it that is making me dread this. What is going on, she wonders. Why again after so many years, she thinks. This goes on for about an hour, as she lies restlessly next to her sleeping baby trying to calm her heart.

She decides to call him. He is busy, but promises to call back. Just hearing his voice calms and breaks her down, together. But she holds on. She decides to browse the internet and facebook a bit, because entertainment relaxes you, right. But it only manages to distract. The numbness and the heart beats don’t go anywhere, they remain inside her. The dull fear and faint headache linger much beyond her capacity to feel them. She reads a few funny articles but can only chuckle. He calls back, she tells him what’s happening. He asks, if he should come home, she replies in the negative and breaks down. He tells her to hold on, she says she will. The conversation ends. She continues mindless browsing, her fingers still numb, her hands’ still cold and her mind not completely there – yet 4 hours after it all started and she decides to pen it down here – hoping that maybe words do have the power to heal. And she prays!

I promise, I had thought of something interesting to write about! But by the time I finished watching Sherlock Season 3 (God, I love it!), wasting time on twitter and facebook and making some work calls (yes babeh, I’m working now!), it stuck me that I was sitting before a computer with some free time and a sleeping toddler. OMG, I could write! Also, I think I need to actively pursue the one and the only thing that can still qualify to be a hobby – writing! So here I am, writing a new post for a brand new year of 2014!

Sherlock

What can I say, there are still so many things to write here. Let me start by saying, the brat turned a year old on th January. We had a big party that weekend for all of our families and friends. A good 70 people attended. The food was supposedly good (was too exhausted to eat well) and the games host was quite nice and entertaining. THANK GOD! You see, neither the husband nor I are really sociable, but we usually manage. But here we were, two people who easily get awkward in crowds throwing a birthday party for their little one! See the irony? Well, me neither. But, whatever. It went well, and was, as been told in these circles, quite a success.

She’s grown up, my little one. The one I still can’t believe I birthed. The one who changed our lives forever. The one who tumbled it upside down while bringing a certain order to it, all at the same time. Her smile lights our day and her tantrums keep me at my wits end, but we learn, we love and we live in the best possible manner known to all of us! We are a family and a happy one at that and I wouldn’t want anything to be changed *touchwood*

Image

So yes, since I can’t think of anything better to write about right now, this is it! 

 

Happy New Years everyone! May 2014 be the start to the best times in all our lives

 

Love,

Nameless Mom

Post 1 – Of Birthdays and Beginnings!

It’s the Husband’s 32nd Birthday! Perfect for starting the blog-a-thon, don’t you think?

I am not a birthday person. I don’t particularly like celebrating them. Gifts are good, because they involve some thought and bring some meaning and are a good way to remind the birthday boy/girl on how much he/she is loved, but big birthday celebrations are not something I subscribe to. Thankfully, the Husband isn’t too hung over on the celebrations part either, but he is definitely BIG on gifts. Usually, i believe in making gifts for him.

Last year, I had made him a HUGE Birthday card which also had a lot of small pictures and memories of both of us. It went down well with the husband. This year, as I had a little more time (or that’s what I had thought) U decided to browse the internet and come up with certain gift ideas. I came across this wonderful website and wanted to really do this, but despite scouring for good, wide plastic playing deck cards, I couldn’t lay my hands on one. So, instead I made 32 mini-cards – 32 little cards with a reason for why I loved him on each of them. He absolutely loved each one of them. This was accompanied by a long love letter.

 Image

 

Image

Now, I am a very “letter person”. By that I mean I love writing letters. Every major occasion in our relationship has had me writing him long, romantic, sometimes emotional letters. Letters are wonderful reminders. They are wonderful mementos. They stay. They have a memory attached, a nostalgic feeling, a sentiment that you can come back to, whenever you visit that letter again. Don’t you think? In today’s world, when e-mail is the norm, not only because it is fast but also because it is so darn convenient, the letter is slowly getting lost. No one writes a letter. Seldom does one get posted or exchange hands. I hope when chubby cheeks grows up and starts school, letter writing will still be a subject in English Literature. There is something about letters that can give you an immediate personal feel – maybe it’s the handwriting, may be it’s the way the thoughts flow, or maybe I am just plain old school. But I can assure you one thing – nothing, and I mean, nothing can make a person feel more special than a handwritten letter.

So, whose the special one in your life? Have you written him/ her a letter yet?

Starting a Blog-a-thon!

I recently read this post on one of my favourite websites and to say I was inspired would be clearly making an understatement. Because let’s face it, there is a reason I am a HUGE fan of this website and it is because Fawn has inspired me to be a better wife each day. And if I can by posting snippets or my take on happy marriages can spread a little goodness in this world, then yeah, why not.

But considering how erratic I am in posting anything on this blog, I have decided to have a blog-a-thon or a blog marathon, wherein I post something every single day for the next 30 days. And I have kept an incentive for myself.

You see, this awesome Happy Wives Website that I have been reading on a daily basis, is seeking contributors. Now, when I looked at their contribution form, it asked me to link up to my best work on the subject of marriage and relationships.

Now, I used to blog occasionally here, before marriage. But post marriage and birth of chubby cheeks, I haven’t really posted anything there nor have I attempted to write something worthwhile other than random post it notes filled with ideas. So, I am going to revisit those notes and write on one of these topics daily weekly. And if I can keep at it for the next 4 weeks, I hope to have some links to fill in the contributors form for the website!

Wish me luck 🙂

Rolling Stones!

Photo Courtesy: mummyliciousdairy.blogspot.com

Bimbi rolled over by herself yesterday (6th May, 2013 – which also happens to be my parent’s wedding anniversary) YES!!

The first important developmental milestone achieved (atleast to an extent) and one of the most immobile phase in an infant’s life is over. Although I have been prodding and bribing her in quite unsuccessful ways to begin rolling over, this milestone and achievement came without me being around to witness it. Boo! Well, it so happens, that while we were all sitting for dinner at the dinner table, I had placed Bimbi on a play mat at the other end of the table, which is relatively more spacious and airy from the part of the dining area where I was seated. In short, she was on the floor on the opposite end of the table, and completely outside my view. While her father and grand father were within viewing distance, they were busy watching the IPL. I was busy eating and talking to her, despite the distance, when suddenly there was silence from her. I looked at the husband and asked him to see, and he was like, “Oh My God, she’s rolled over!!!” I almost jumped up from the table to look, and here she was in all her glory, lying on her stomach doing a mini push up and acting all cool and stuff. We locked eyes and I got a big grin, which before you could say roll over, became a huge cry. I coaxed her verbally to calm down as I did not want to stop her from this new thing that she was mastering. Suddenly, after about 2 minutes, she was again on her back! “Oh My God, she’s rolled back again!!!” was the husband’s response.

I was delighted and frustrated together. Here I was spending all days with her trying to get her to roll over and my darling had chosen the exact time when she was away from my eyes to do it. Wonderful, just wonderful! By the time I gobbled up my lunch in a hurry (a norm in the house these days) she was still on her back acting all cool and brazen about her achievement. When I went to pick her up, she gave me a BIG grin followed by the loudest cries for the day, because she realised all this coolness had made her hungry before time. I picked her up to feed her and put her to bed. And she slept – after 2 weeks of giving us the terrorizing sleep deprivation where in the husband and I had virtually turned into  zombies for all purposes, she slept like an angel from 9:30 p.m. to 7:30 a.m. straight with 2 wakings for feeding only. Hopefully, that is the end of the maddening thing called the “4 month sleep regression”. This was simply a crazy time when my daughter wanted to be up and about ALL THE BLOODY TIME. If you thought you have handled growth spurts and can manage this – you are WRONG. No you cannot. Well, atleast not in my case.

But after putting her to bed, I was delirious. I need to baby proof the home… my little one is growing up… I can sleep well now, but I have trouble falling asleep. Oh My God, just Oh My God !!! So I did the one thing every sane mom would do in such a situation, played a couple of games on my tab and did absolutely nothing enjoying the peace, before dozing off!

Well, at least she has achieved something and I am beginning to see a sparkle, if not a light at the end of this sleepless tunnel. Now, for the next big milestone. Phew!

ETA: You may like this link which pretty much explains all that was going on with Bimbi recently