This is what it feels like

Note – it’s not pretty.

A deep sense of panic fills in her eyes. Her heart is beating at the speed of light. The blood drains of her face and she can barely stand. Her composure may be calm to the outside world, but internally, she has ‘lost it’. She is unable to think straight. She feels like she is having a heart attack, but she knows she isn’t. Her hands and feet go numb and her involuntary brain takes over. She carries on doing that which she was doing, or is not doing but at a subtly slower pace and definitely in a mindless fashion. Her thoughts are elsewhere, even though she smiles at her baby and feeds her. The baby’s tantrums don’t seem to faze or disturb her. She seems calm and composed, but she’s far from it. Her mind is racing with thoughts – both known and unknown and she is unable to make sense of what is going on in her head. She tells herself to “breathe – breathe deeply”, but even that requires way too much of an effort. This makes her chest hurt, a lot, but she tries. She takes her baby to give her a nap and lays down beside her, trying to ‘relax’ as the baby nurses. But there is no escape from this terror which has squeezed her. Is it some fear or is it a demon, no one can tell. This, which was earlier such a relaxing and nurturing activity, now seems like a task to get done with, because she has things to do. What things – she doesn’t know or even understand. She just knows, she has to do something otherwise terror may strike – something bad or unforeseen may happen. The unimaginable may happen. The fear holds her again, her heart beats which had reduced a bit, start pumping again. What is it, what is it that is making me dread this. What is going on, she wonders. Why again after so many years, she thinks. This goes on for about an hour, as she lies restlessly next to her sleeping baby trying to calm her heart.

She decides to call him. He is busy, but promises to call back. Just hearing his voice calms and breaks her down, together. But she holds on. She decides to browse the internet and facebook a bit, because entertainment relaxes you, right. But it only manages to distract. The numbness and the heart beats don’t go anywhere, they remain inside her. The dull fear and faint headache linger much beyond her capacity to feel them. She reads a few funny articles but can only chuckle. He calls back, she tells him what’s happening. He asks, if he should come home, she replies in the negative and breaks down. He tells her to hold on, she says she will. The conversation ends. She continues mindless browsing, her fingers still numb, her hands’ still cold and her mind not completely there – yet 4 hours after it all started and she decides to pen it down here – hoping that maybe words do have the power to heal. And she prays!

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