Happiness in marriage is a choice

I get one single question from a lot of my unmarried friends – ‘Is it really Happily Ever After’ or ‘Will I get my Happily Ever After?‘ or some other version of this. And my answer is always the same – ALWAYS – NO! Now, before you tag me off as a pessimist or a person stuck in a relationship rut or plain cynical or whatever, let me tell you, I am not. I am in a very loving and deep relationship with my husband and we share a beautiful love made stronger by marriage and our child. But is it really Happily Ever After? I don’t know.

 

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You see, my main problem is with the entire notion or societal notion that feeds us this crap that marriage makes everything better or it makes you happy. Well, society, sorry to burst your bubble – but it doesn’t make you happy. Yes, a loving caring and healthy relationship will lead to happiness, but feeling the happiness, strengthening the relationship and being in the loving and caring relationship and keeping it healthy is a CHOICE. It is an action, you have to do, every single day. You have to consciously make the choice to be with this person, through the good and the bad, and this happiness that comes from being together through such times is what makes most people happy. So, essentially, it is your own choice that will make you happy – not marriage, but the choice of staying married to this person , who again, you chose! 

Another thing, is this bullshit about EVER AFTER! Really, in a world, where everything is ‘Made in China‘ and collapses faster than you could say ‘Icecream in the sun’, expecting marriage to keep you happy ever after is quite far fetched. I mean, what are the chances that people are happy ALL THE TIME? Zero! Nil! Yada! I mean, come on, is anyone on earth really happy all the bloody time? (Imagine how irritating such a person would be) But ever after is a myth. Because it never starts and never ends. Every marriage goes through it’s shares of ups and downs. There will be times, when him refusing to wake up to soothe the baby at night will drive you nuts and when she will want to get emotional about her second cousin’s best friend’s sister’s divorce will make you want to scream your head out. But you will realise that it doesn’t matter – in the long run, it will not matter. And you choose to overlook the same. Yes, people, it is this choice that I speak about – this choice that will lead to much better happiness in your life.

Nothing beats having a stable and sane companion in this journey of life. Nothing comes close to sleeping with your best friend after a terrible day at work. But expecting it to be the same way every single day and expecting all your miseries and debts to disappear, just coz you are married is frankly, quite ridiculous! 

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So frankly there is only one answer to the above question – will it be ‘Happily Ever After‘ and the answer is – if you choose it to be!

So long, my love and life beckons!

Cya

 

This is what it feels like

Note – it’s not pretty.

A deep sense of panic fills in her eyes. Her heart is beating at the speed of light. The blood drains of her face and she can barely stand. Her composure may be calm to the outside world, but internally, she has ‘lost it’. She is unable to think straight. She feels like she is having a heart attack, but she knows she isn’t. Her hands and feet go numb and her involuntary brain takes over. She carries on doing that which she was doing, or is not doing but at a subtly slower pace and definitely in a mindless fashion. Her thoughts are elsewhere, even though she smiles at her baby and feeds her. The baby’s tantrums don’t seem to faze or disturb her. She seems calm and composed, but she’s far from it. Her mind is racing with thoughts – both known and unknown and she is unable to make sense of what is going on in her head. She tells herself to “breathe – breathe deeply”, but even that requires way too much of an effort. This makes her chest hurt, a lot, but she tries. She takes her baby to give her a nap and lays down beside her, trying to ‘relax’ as the baby nurses. But there is no escape from this terror which has squeezed her. Is it some fear or is it a demon, no one can tell. This, which was earlier such a relaxing and nurturing activity, now seems like a task to get done with, because she has things to do. What things – she doesn’t know or even understand. She just knows, she has to do something otherwise terror may strike – something bad or unforeseen may happen. The unimaginable may happen. The fear holds her again, her heart beats which had reduced a bit, start pumping again. What is it, what is it that is making me dread this. What is going on, she wonders. Why again after so many years, she thinks. This goes on for about an hour, as she lies restlessly next to her sleeping baby trying to calm her heart.

She decides to call him. He is busy, but promises to call back. Just hearing his voice calms and breaks her down, together. But she holds on. She decides to browse the internet and facebook a bit, because entertainment relaxes you, right. But it only manages to distract. The numbness and the heart beats don’t go anywhere, they remain inside her. The dull fear and faint headache linger much beyond her capacity to feel them. She reads a few funny articles but can only chuckle. He calls back, she tells him what’s happening. He asks, if he should come home, she replies in the negative and breaks down. He tells her to hold on, she says she will. The conversation ends. She continues mindless browsing, her fingers still numb, her hands’ still cold and her mind not completely there – yet 4 hours after it all started and she decides to pen it down here – hoping that maybe words do have the power to heal. And she prays!